14.
My pattern for several years had been to call my dad two or three times a week when I was sober and doing well. Sometimes I’d call when I was tipsy, thinking he wouldn’t know, but he always did. But with the cough syrup, he didn’t seem to know, at least not at first. He didn’t know what cough syrup intoxication sounded like, or even that there was such a thing.
I started to call him almost daily. I told him about the premonition that had come true. I told him about all the great new ideas I was having for screenplays, books and other creative endeavors. I had ideas for political reform and solutions to the traffic problems on Oahu. Each day, as I became more and more manic, I would pitch him a new idea or two. He was happy for me at first. He thought that in addition to my alcoholism, I’d been suffering from depression. At last, he told me, I seemed to be snapping out of it. He encouraged me to write down my ideas.
At the sober house and in my evening treatment meetings I was expending great effort in hiding my DXM abuse. I couldn’t just throw all my empty bottles into the trash at the house. By mid January I was going through two to three eight ounce bottles per day. I had to monitor when and how much DXM I took into my system; I didn’t want to be incoherent during my treatment sessions, in front of my housemates, or on the phone with my dad.
Two or three bottles per day wasn’t cheap, even if I stuck to the generic brands. I’d tried all the brands and found the most potent one with the least disagreeable taste. It also turned out to be the most expensive brand. I began shoplifting it from pharmacies and grocery stores.
I didn’t like to have to steal the drug, but there was no other way to maintain my habit while I was unemployed and collecting welfare. I didn’t think of it as a habit though, I considered it a tool for managing my sobriety. A sober life would be easy, now that I knew how to manage my mental well being with DXM.
Of course, if I kept stealing the stuff, it would only be a matter of time before I got caught. Also, I had car payments, insurance, child support and student loans that I was falling further and further behind on. I started to think about going back to work for the DOE.
I’d damaged my reputation in Honolulu District, but I hadn’t been fired and maybe I could get a job somewhere else on the island. My house manager seemed to think it was a bad idea for anyone in early sobriety to start work too soon. “Too much money, too soon will lead to a slip.” But my dad was very supportive of me looking for work. “Too much time on your hands can lead to a slip.”
The application process for the Hawaii Department of Education can be time consuming, so while I was working on that, I also went to a temp agency that was able to place me right away. Every day I would go to this big medical insurance outfit and punch numbers into a computer database. Sometimes I was so high on DXM, the computer screen would pulse and bleed green light. My boss seemed happy with my work and the pay allowed me to purchase an iPod. To do this I had to keep stealing my cough syrup for a while longer and put off paying some of those important bills such as child support and student loans.
With the DOE I’d put in applications with a couple of the districts outside of Honolulu for special education teacher positions. I was afraid that I had damaged my reputation in Honolulu district with my drinking and absenteeism. I was right about that, but wrong to think that principals in the other districts would not ask their counterparts in Honolulu about me. While there was a severe shortage of special education teachers, and I interviewed at several schools, it seemed no one wanted to take a chance on me.
I’d become resigned to doing the temp thing until my first book or screenplay was sold (the ones I had ideas for but hadn’t wrote a word). Working for the DOE wasn’t what I really wanted to do anyway. I’d been feeling constrained from using my true talents while I was with the department. Really, I was only now truly recognizing my talents. New ideas came to me each day, ideas for books, movie and TV scripts, letters to the editor. I began spending more and more time with Rod and Pahi, encouraging them in their own creative pursuits.
After about a month of temping, I got a call from the superintendent of Honolulu district. When I’d worked in his district, he was always friendly with me, but I didn't know him well. I was surprised by his call; he’d known about my problems and was willing to take a chance on me. He told me that he’d noticed that I’d applied with the DOE again, but not in his district. He said that if I was willing to work in Honolulu, I should call the principal of Kapahulu Elementary; the school needed a Student Services Coordinator right away.
The job paid much better than temping and I didn’t have to think hard about whether to take it or not. But I was determined that it would remain only a job to me as I had bigger pursuits in mind. With my head constantly buzzing on DXM, so many ideas flowing in and out, I was never able to focus on any of them. I didn’t recognize this as a problem though. I began to feel I was destined for bigger and better things, it was only a matter of time.
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